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Joke of the Day

"So today I finally got my license... to krill!"

"Oh look! A guy with ""Stand-Up Comic"" in his bio unfollowed me two seconds after I followed back. That's never happened before."

"Why didn't the movie ticket get convicted of both of its crimes? It would only admit one."

"I just ran into a doorknob and swore at it but in all honesty, like 99.9% of my doorknob interactions all-time have been positive & helpful"

"People make such a big deal about vegans, but I don't get it. I've never had a beef with one."

"For such a picky eater, I'm certainly not a picky weight gainer."

"What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her pussy? Only one retarded thing came out of her pussy."

"I'll believe self-help books work when I see a bunch of them on a sane person's bookshelf."

"WIFE: how old is your daughter? WIFE'S FRIEND: she's eight going on nine. ME: *whispering* That's how numbers work"

"Three Nuns Walked Into A Bar The fourth one ducked."