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Joke of the Day

"Sometimes when my dogs piss me off I put their leashes on them, then I sit on the toilet for 20 mins and make them watch."

"I wouldn't say my wife was fat....... .....but she wore a white dress to the cinema last night and they showed the film on her back!"

"when zombies can't sleep it's called inzombnia holy shit that was a huge slice of comedy pie I bet you're all full now I sure am"

"Last year I felt miserable and depressed, but now I turned that around.. Now I'm depressed and miserable"

"It was nice of Apple to invent a mirror I can send emails with."

"launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076"

"How fast can a woman fuck? 68km/h, because at 69 she flips over and blows a rod."

"I got my sister a T-shirt and a dildo... That way, if she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself."

"What do you call fake spaghetti? An *imposta.*"

"My buddy just came over with his eyebrows waxed... The light had them shining so much it looked like both of his eyes just came up with the best idea."