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Joke of the Day

"""Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on.."" [rubs up against your leg] ""that's better"" -cats"

"What do you call a record of everything that goes in and out of your ass? An ANALog."

"Marriage is like a seesaw. It's not fun if one of them is fat."

"The worst part about watching Ronda Rousey fight: it's hard to rub one out in under a minute."

"Dear Adobe, my HOLY SHIT LEAVE ME ALONE is ready to install."

"How do you know your daughter's a slut? Because you never kiss her goodnight."

"Needs a Facebook button that says What you just posted makes me want to punch you in the face. Put it beside the Like button. Just a suggestion."

"[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF] ""Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he'd get a new family"""

"Marijuana was a big problem in Auschwitz. Jews would go there just to get baked."

"What do prayers and my Reddit submissions have in common? No one fucking reads them."