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Joke of the Day

"My stages of awkward: Sober me: I don't know what to do with my hands Drunk me: I don't know what to do with my face High me: What face?"

"There's nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don't like them."

"Yesterday in the World Cup, England beat Germany for the first time in recorded history. In fact, it's the first time England has won anything on the 4th of July."

"That amazing moment when you drop your phone but the headphones save its life."

"What's the most inconvenient thing about liking big butts? The inability to lie"

"Why was the man accused of sexual harassment never arrested? He was a policeman"

"""Wow, you look like shit this morning."" ""Really? That's funny because I was totally going for the urination look."""

"What do women and saxophones have in common? They both blow and make different noises when you finger them."

"*cop slams bag of weed down on table* ""EXPLAIN."" ""its not mine officer i swea- ""oh quit the crap Bulbasaur we know you're the grass type"""

"I would lose weight, but I hate losing."