84077

Joke of the Day

"It's not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it."

"What are the strongest days? Saturday and Sundays. The others are weakdays"

"I went to my doctor without any money and begged If you fix this diarrhea I'll do you a solid."

"They always say to follow your gut, that's why this is my 11th trip to the fridge for another beer."

"If your iPhone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, the rice will attract asians who will fix your electronics for you"

"(First date) Me: Don't let her know you're a satanist Her: So what do you do for fun? Me: WHATEVER THE DARK LORD COMMANDS"

"Why did Putin forget his backpack at home when leaving for school? He was Russian."

"PILOT: if you look out the window you'll see we're cruising at 35,000 feet [i look out the window] [THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]"

"Pupil: In other schools pupils get a choice of computers to use. Teacher: You get a choice her too. Use the one we've got or don't use any at all."

"Life is like a box of chocolates... It'll kill your dog."