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Joke of the Day

"[interview for CIA] Your resume says you're a master in hand-to-hand wombat. Is that a typo or- *I've already thrown a wombat at his face*"

"I'm not the jealous type. And no I don't know why every time you talk to someone the police find their body dumped in a river the next day."

"Did you hear about the new Chinese rap duo? 2 Changz"

"I don't even know how to read a digital clock I can only tell the time on the ones with the hands"

"Did I ever tell you the story about the time I climbed Mount Everest? I made it up."

"I just want a car with pop-up headlights. Do they still make those? Love would be good too."

"You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug"

"A pessimist, optimist and feminist Optimist: The glass is half full Pessimist: The glass is half empty Feminist: The glass is raped"

"Ever have one of those days where you just don't feel like being at work? I've been having one of those days for two fucking years now."

"Why are black people afraid of high fives? They don't want to be left hanging"