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Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend broke up with me after I said she's half the person I am... I weigh 240 pounds, not sure why she got so mad."

"Why are black people so tall? Because they're negros. (Hah get it? Knee grows?)"

"If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can't alcohol be called cereal drink?"

"What do you call a quadriplegic Canadian? A Can't-adian!"

"Anyone still keeping up with their New Year's resolutions? I am... Still 1080p"

"If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet with intelligent life - lets just make patterns in their crop and leave."

"Cop: Are you drunk? Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants* Cop: WOW. Yes actually. Me: That was supposed to be a backflip"

"Everyone should thank me for not being a doctor."

"What is the difference between a call center job and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four."

"What should you do if you're cold? Stand in a corner. They're usually 90 degrees."