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Joke of the Day

"Do I have a police record? No... but I have two of their albums on tape."

"The best part of having a prostitute die on you is the second hour is free!"

"They say in 1990 a vagina almost took Bill Clinton down Now it looks like a weiner may take Hillary"

"Oedipus teasing... Oedipus passes near the hill and sees Sisyphus rolling the boulder up that hill. Oedipus (to Sisyphus): How's it goin'? Sisyphus: Shut up, motherfucker."

"The only time I seem to be able to count on people is when I nail an abacus to their heads."

"[showing my 4yo a Slinky] me: look, it's walking down the stairs kid: what else can it do me: literally nothing"

"The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn't amused when I said, ""I don't think it's working"""

"What car does Hitler drive? [OC] A fuhrerri."

"Two reddit admins walk into a bar [deleted]"

"the worst part of this guy catching me masturbating to a Highlights magazine is looking him in the eye for an hour while he cleans my teeth."