833

Joke of the Day

"Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed. Doctor: Ma'am, that's your husband. Me: And your point is...?"

"I just stopped at a yellow light to give myself a few extra seconds to craft this tweet."

"What did Kurt Kobain have such a terrible time in 7th grade? He was having a mid-life crisis."

"I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems."

"My jokes are pretty deep Cos they are mine"

"What do you call a Mexican garden hose in Canada? Joseh"

"Wife: We don't have anything planned today... Me: Cool! Wife: ...so I was thinking we should... Me: (dammit)"

"The awkward moment when you're wearing Nike's and can't do i"

"Waiter there's a dead fly in my soup! Yes sir it's the hot water that kills them."

"I'd imagine homeless people aren't the biggest fans of little dogs wearing sweaters."