82919

Joke of the Day

"The past, present and future walk into a room. It got all tense."

"I asked my trainer ""Which machine at the gym should I use to impress beautiful women?"" He pointed outside and said ""The ATM machine"""

"Finals come around and now you like the library? Name 3 of their songs"

"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world, I know because I've done it thousands of times. - shout out to good ol' Mark twain."

"I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning."

"What do you call an organized group of people waiting to get drinks? Punchline"

"Me: I made you a playlist... Her: OMG! THAT'S SO ROMANTIC! Me: It only has songs about food."

"What's the difference between Santa and a Jew? Santa goes down the chimney"

"If laziness was an Olympic sport... I would be fourth so I wouldn't have to step up on the podium. Edit: too lazy for dictionaries, thanks /u/ReddSpy"

"Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you're gay...."