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Joke of the Day

"An officer was fired for smoking weed and masturbating on the job... No exact details were given to the public, but he was a high wanking officer"

"Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! ... EVERYWHERE! ... SEND...HELP! ""Sir we don't ..."" Me: OMG! DON'T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?"

"A salmon is swimming up a river. It hits a wall. Dam."

"I've just hired a hot 19 year-old Swedish girl with massive tits to babysit my kids. Now... Where the fuck do I get some kids from?"

"Two submissives sitting in a tree. N O T H I N G"

"The asterisk was invented by someone seeing a cat's butt and thinking that it would make a great punctuation mark. It was almost a catastrophe."

"If I'm ever on Jeopardy I hope the final category isn't ""Can You Tell These Mumford & Sons Songs Apart."""

"Q: What did one angel say to the other? A: ""Halo."""

"I found my first gray pube the other day. It was in a kebab."

"Pretty lame how horses and dogs don't capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once"