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Joke of the Day

"Pretty lame how horses and dogs don't capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once"

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you're good. Fool me four times, WOW! Did you major in fooling?"

"People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom."

"What did the decorators say when they went to church? ""Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"""

"The movie spoiler you won't be able to avoid this Xmas! It turns out Alvin is Theodore's FATHER!"

"I heard Sean Connery's great grandpa was hung for lese-majeste. God, shave the Queen."

"5 years ago I asked a girl if she wanted to go on a date. Yesterday I asked her if she would marry me. She said no both times, though."

"I built a staircase using an online tutorial! When I finished I thought something looked wrong so I went back to look at the instructions. I missed a step."

"I went out dressed as a chicken last night. and I met a girl who was dressed as an egg. One thing led to another and a lifelong question was answered; it was the chicken."

"[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY"