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Joke of the Day

"I once had a friend addicted to drinking breaker fluid. He said, ""I can stop whenever I want."""

"Came up with this on a long car ride What's a skeleton's least favorite game? wishbone"

"I went to subway today, and they gave me the wrong sandwich oops, wrong sub."

"I think my daughter might turn out to be the next Martin Scorsese! (Her eyebrows are fucking terrifying)"

"Why do clumsy people get married? They fall in love."

"HER: I'd invite you in, but I never kill on a first date ME: kill? HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect ME: we are talking out loud"

"Yo mama hair so short when she braided it they looked like stiches."

"Copernicus was trying to figure out why the Sun set at night and rose during the day. Then it dawned on him."

"My favorite prank phone-call gag when I was a child: Call store, ask, ""Do you have cotton-balls?"" After confirmation that the store has cotton-balls, ""Does it tickle when you walk?"""

"Cyber Monday is named for John Cyber, who was the first person to be sexually assaulted online by a robot."