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Joke of the Day

"I think my daughter might turn out to be the next Martin Scorsese! (Her eyebrows are fucking terrifying)"

"*Adobe update puts on fake moustache and glasses* Hi, my name is iOS 7, would you like to download updates?"

"I asked God for a car, but I know God doesn't work that way... So, I stole a car and asked for forgiveness."

"Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not? Pilot: Yes. Tower: Yes what?? Pilot: Yes SIR!"

"Maybe your d*ck is so small because half of it is in your personality."

"What's one advantage of electing a woman president of the United States? We wouldn't have to pay her as much."

"""Grandpa, get out of the bathtub. You'll get cold and die."" Grandpa got out of the bathtub, got cold, and died..."

"ME: Where are the posters? WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED! [In other room] *cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*"

"A redneck broke up with his girlfriend it wasn't all that bad, she said they could still be cousins."

"Hey Can_ZigZag: what did one burning bush say to the other? Ain't no way they're makin' a fuel out of me!"