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Joke of the Day

"This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don't believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it."

"If you get pulled over for speeding on the highway, police are legally required to let you go if you tell them 'Black Betty' was playing."

"That picture of yourself that you hate now will look better than the best possible picture of you in five years."

"Sorry I always spell your name Brain, guys named Brain."

"I love how Prince Charming is so dumb he doesn't recognize Cinderella without her shoe."

"Facebook is developing a phone. And MySpace is working on a telegram"

"I don't know what you guys are talking about. I drank pineapple juice earlier and my jizz doesn't taste any different."

"ME: My new contacts are here! WIFE: Don't put them all on at once like you did last ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES"

"My vacuum cleaner is so good it collects dust even when I don't use it."

"Pissed there isn't a superhero in my town called 'The Human Bee'. That jumps out of trees with a knife in his ass."