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Joke of the Day

"*buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz* *panics* OMG WHAT'S THAT NOISE? *son walks in with powered toothbrush* *buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz* thank GOD."

"Party host: Anyone here allergic to nuts? Because I like to rest mine on the table."

"I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, ""What's up mate, won't it start?"""

"This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out."

"[mob about to stone a sinner] JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. [mob drops rocks] JESUS: [picks up rock]"

"I just read the words ""untimely death"" and thought, ""Man, I hope my death is timely."""

"I was trying to get over my fear of public speaking at a nudist colony. I just imagined everyone with their clothes on."

"Sundays always bring out my inner senior citizen...."

"Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time."

"You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list."