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Joke of the Day

"My wife asked me about the movie ""From Hell"" & I described it as a movie about Jack the Ripper, starring Johnny the Depp."

"Longest minutes ever: 1. Waiting on a text 2. Waiting on your food to get out the microwave 3. Commercial while watching a good show."

"I'm a bisexual who just broke up and is now single. I guess you could say I'm on standbi."

"""Something's wrong. He's never walked this far before.""- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them."

"I'm crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away."

"Whats better then a gold medal in the special Olympics? Not being retarded."

"I accidentally wet the bed I share with my girlfriend.... She's still pissed"

"NSFW Wife: Darling, do I please you in bed? Hubby: Yes I love that trick you do with your mouth. Wife: What trick? Hubby: The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep!"

"(Music Theory) Why do composers win debates? Because when their opponent makes a point, they always respond with a valid counterpoint."

"I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I'm familiar with commitment."