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Joke of the Day

"I left my girlfriend because she lost an ear It may sound shallow but I take my corn seriously"

"Me and my brother buried the hatchet last night! We dumped the hooker in the lake though."

"Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: No idea, I'm not black."

"Neil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have something common... I don't understand what either one is saying, but I know I'll end up seeing stars."

"My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She's now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don't negotiate with terrorists."

"Why are these Facebook status updates so much more interesting than usual? Oh, because this isn't Facebook - it's a mattress label. My bad."

"On Fred's 17th birthday his Dad said he'd take him out for his first driving lesson. As they got in the car the father said ""Just one thing Fred. If you're going to hit anything make sure it's cheap."""

"I was at the beach wondering why frisbees always look bigger the closer they get And then it hit me"

"What do toilet paper and The Star Trek Enterprise have in common? They both circle Uranus in search of Klingons."

"Mary and Joseph watch the 3 wise men leave M: I can't believe they went off the registry. J: I know! Even the son of god needs burp cloths."