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Joke of the Day

"Why did Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand? So she could moan with the other."

"Did you hear about the Mexican racist? he joined the que que que."

"What do you call a wizard holding a teacup? A saucer-er!"

"HER: You look so nervous. ME: *nervously* HA. I'm never nervous. HER: You're sweating. ME: *just freaking out* That's bravery moisture."

"HOW TO BEAT YOUR COMPUTER AT CHESS WITHIN 5 SECONDS: just set the difficulty to OBAMA.It will never come up with a strategy."

"Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car."

"Why can't I think of a word that means something really good or really bad depending on how you use it in a sentence? Fuck!"

"why didn't natalie wood take a shower on the boat? she wanted to wash up on shore..."

"I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages."

"*pays $20 for deluxe car wash* *hits roughly 3,287,998 bugs during 2 mile drive home*"