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Joke of the Day

"If I had all the money in the world to do whatever I wanted I'd be the next US president"

"""I'm dying call me an ambulance"" Best friend: ""Ok dying, you're an ambulance"""

"(Anxiety/Depression joke) I'm always exhausted... except for my nervous energy."

"why are sex ed and drivers ed never on the same day in Iraq ? the camel would get overworked"

"What do you call an elephant creeping through the jungle in the middle of the night ? Russell !"

"I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather's pubic hair than ""pull an all-nighter"" with you."

"Kim on FB needs help deciding if the snot in her kid's nose is from allergies or not. His Dr. says yes, but she really needs your opinion."

"People who are ""just saying"" should try ""just shutting the fuck up."""

"Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire"

"How come you never get into a fart contest with a girls? They have double barrels. Probably a repeat, but my brother in law hadn't heard it so I figured I would post it."