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Joke of the Day

"I'm not saying I've let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I've caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory"

"A driver was so focused on being upset I was texting while driving... They rear ended the car ahead of them. I guess texting while driving is distracting."

"There's a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking."

"Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn't that funny anyway."

"I went to the local zoo today There was only one dog there. It was a shih tzu."

"[hell] Satan: Everybody get online & read stuff that makes you mad for eternity Guy next to me: Nooooo Me: I trained my whole life for this"

"four years ago I asked out the woman of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me!!! She said no both times."

"My medication says to store it in a cool, dark place. So I keep it in a jazz club in Harlem."

"Hate being a funeral director ""why'd u take the job?"" I inherited it from my dad ""You could've just declined it"" And lose my first customer?"

"If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need... Not all this, ""How the fuck did you get in my house?!"" nonsense."