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Joke of the Day

"14-year old Becky writes ""Stop wars"" as her Facebook status. It gets nine ""likes"", all from world leaders. Peace reigns forever. She did it."

"What present did the kid with no hands get? Gloves. Ha! Just kidding, I don't know what he got, he hasn't opened it yet."

"How did the hermit crab show off his new apartment? He took a shelfie."

"My daughter bought a new mattress for when she goes off to school, but was undecided about whether to keep it. I told her to sleep on it."

"Why was the kitchen full of awkward sexual tension? Because the pot never called the kettle back."

"What's the difference between ISIS and a piece of shit? I don't know any difference either."

"The Devil's Business What did the Devil say to the being that sold its soul to him? -""Nice doing business with you!"""

"I just found out that I missed a test on stolen flags last week. My teacher had it flagged as missing."

"If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog because he shuts up after you let him in."

"My girlfriend looked at me with her sexy eyes So, my girlfriend looked at me with her sexy eyes and said, ""I want you to make me scream with only two fingers baby"".... so I poked her in the eyes."