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Joke of the Day

"that awkward feeling. when you are sitting on the toilet and forgot to lock the door and your boss walks in... and your pants are up."

"MIL: You're going to give me a heart attack someday! M: Last time I checked you didn't even have a heart."

"Vending machines kill more people every year than sharks Obviously, how's a vending machine going to kill a shark?"

"She's marrying HIM?! TODAY?! *cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*"

"Lincoln cars can't turn left. They're all right, all right, all riiiggghhht"

"Is siri better than you? that's a siri-ous question."

"What did the cannibal do after he dumped his Girlfriend? Wiped his ass"

"I hope there's not a huge turnout at my Claustrophobic's Anonymous meeting tonight."

"Co-worker: What's the difference between astronomy & astrology? Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points."

"Why are divers always so nervous? Because they're always under pressure!"