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Joke of the Day

"I wear my heart on my sleeve because if I wore it on my chest, it'd just get mustard stains on it."

"My Friend is 5'8""... Some people would say he's tall, but I think he's just high."

"I like my slaves like I like my eggs. Beaten."

"""May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind."" -Sir Smirnoff"

"I'm the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes."

"I bet the government is behind all these conspiracy theories."

"Tifu by having sex with my friend's dumb bitch I guess bestiality isn't common where hes from."

"I painted my iPhone black so it would run faster. Now I need to jailbreak it."

"What do you call a fat magician? A 4-chin teller."

"*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree"