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Joke of the Day

"My work email inbox has grown so wild and unruly that everytime I open it, it plays its own 70s porn theme."

"My girlfriend talks to her dog like it's going to talk back. Kind of like when Christians talk to God."

"Knock Knock Knock knock ""Who's there?"" ""The pilot, let me in"" Too soon?"

"A duck walks into a store and says, ""Give me some fucking Chapstick."" The clerk says, ""Alright, settle down you feathered cunt... How are you going to pay for that?"" ""Oh, just put it on my bill."""

"My new Toyota is going to be in a new movie . . . Just a small part. It's just a Camryo."

"Sext: You are a butterfly. I am a caterpillar. Surprise twist, I am Chris Hansen in a caterpillar suit. You are under arrest."

"I went to a party dressed as a loaf of bread. The birds were all over me."

"If you leave me a voicemail, congratulations. You've just given me the gift of anxiety."

"I treat my television in the same way that I treat my girlfriends. I abandon them and subscribe to Netflix"

"What genius named it a ""news feed"" on Facebook and not ""bullshit""?!"