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Joke of the Day

"A suicide bomber, a member of an ethnic minority, my girlfriend, a priest, and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender says ""What is this, /r/Jokes?"""

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"What's musical and useful at the grocery store? A Chopin Liszt Note: taken from one of those horrible ""Joke of the Day"" desk calendars. It took almost 12 months to get something clever."
"ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them...lipstick melts."
"What did the Philosophy Ph.D say to the fat black woman? Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order?"
"Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We'll be naming her tomorrow. Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh."
"[courtroom] Timothy: I was not involved Victor: Nor was I Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri- Judge: You're all going to jail"
"Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you're drunk enough"
"I like to wipe my ass like I drive. Stopping only on red."
"I'm going to compete in a marathon dressed as Michael Jackson. I'm not sure which race yet."
"Did you see the new abortion movie? I hear it's a real coat hanger"