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Joke of the Day

"Friend: *singing along* But I'm a creep. I'm a widow. Me: Weirdo. Friend: Sorry, I'll stop. Me: No, he says...yeah okay, thanks."

"How do you know Stephen Hawking has jungle fever? He knows a lot about black holes"

"""Dad why'd u name me this?"" I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live ""Oh ok"" Now let's go, Air Bud, we're gonna be late for church"

"My grandmother got my grandfather new pants and I asked him how they fit. He said, ""Like a cheap castle."" I said I was confused. He then explained, ""No ballroom."""

"Me: What are the lyrics to every 80s sitcom I've ever seen Brain: Coming right up Me: Remember to pay that bill Brain: Nope"

"[taking baby's shoes off & examining the soles] ""Oh look, completely clean. It's almost as if you were carried everywhere."""

"Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on ""too many kids"" & ""making it look accidental."" Found my iPad but haven't seen her all day."

"Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph."

"What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call it, it won't come."

"What's the leading cause of violence in America? Volkswagen Beetles."