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Joke of the Day

"New Neighbor: Hi, I'm Derek; I moved in downstairs. Me: I'm Spencer; I'll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices."

"Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981."

"Where do Zika babies come from? A guy trying to get a little head."

"What do you do if a purple elephant and a multicolored horse are following you? get off the merry-go-round! :)"

"What does a terrorist tell hes son? Aim to the sky, maybe you'll shoot a plane."

"[tv commercial] me: ""know what i'd love for breakfast?"" mum: ""what's that son?"" me: ""if someone pre-chewed my food"" narrator: ""porridge"""

"*Panda walks into shop, ""A packet of nuts please."" Assistant: ""pandas don't eat nuts."" -""dammit"" panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off."

"I always thought air was free Until I bought a bag of chips."

"How are a frying pan and a beautiful woman similar? You have to get them both hot before you put the meat in."

"[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected] camera guy: don't try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it"