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Joke of the Day

"Some things are better left unsaid, but I'm probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway."

"I found out that for months my kid has been throwing his poop at beehives. I sat him down and said, ""Son, it's time we talked about the turds and the bees."""

"What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She choked. Edit: Think LONG and HARD about it."

"My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9."

"Why does the French Army install Rear-view mirrors in their Tanks? So that they can see the battle."

"Broken puppets for sale... No strings attached."

"WIFE: Did you buy eggs? ME: Even better. I bought a goat. W: How is that better? M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?"

"Shark Week is just a holiday invented by the underwater camera industry."

"To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms"

"Me: Pack your bags.I won the lottery! G/F: Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff? Me: Doesn't matter, just get out."