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Joke of the Day

"If you're drinking a Starbucks coffee while complaining about paying $4.20 a gallon for gas, you should have your license revoked."

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"A little lizard So a girl walks into a bar with a little lizard and the bartender asks her what she has in her hands. She replies that it's my newt."
"I think my professor might not know my name. He keeps on correcting it with the word ""Late"" on all my papers."
"What's a pirates favorite fast food restaurant? Long John silvers"
"If you speak too slowly, my brain completes your sentences in all kinds of ways that make you interesting for a moment."
"I'll never understand cannibalism... But to eat your own."
"We'd been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation"
"I love my dog. He's a real son-of-a-bitch."
"I went to a disco last night... (mildly NSFW) They played The Twist, so I did the twist. They played Jump, so I jumped. They played Come on Eileen I got kicked out."
"What kind of fruit never leaves the bowl. Cantaloupe"
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