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Joke of the Day

"Every gift from a child is special. Except for this, pine cone #763. I could really do without that."

"What did the runaway melon say to the honeydew on Valentine's Day? I cantaloupe."

"I don't understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?"

"Finally bought a puppy for the wife and I, but it turns out my wife's allergic to dogs, so we had to get rid of her. The dog and I live happily together now."

"If you pretend you're skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people."

"Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one."

"M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS? H: FFS, use your inside voice M: *whispers* did you remember condoms? H: can this wait til after mass?"

"I like my beer like I like my violence... ...domestic"

"An ice cream truck flips over on the highway, what does it leave? A Rocky Road"

"A man walks into a bar... Just kidding, he is actually sitting at home."