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Joke of the Day

"Me: ""people always think I'm gay! Do I put off a gay vibe?"" Guy whose back I'm massaging in a bubble bath: ""maybe a little"""

"ME: Excuse me...Where's the rowing boat equipment? EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle. ME: EMPLOYEE: ME: EMPLOYEE: ME: Or you'll what?"

"I can't wait to find out who's playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story"

"Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel."

"I was gonna tell you a pizza joke... But it was too cheesy."

"Tell someone, ""You wore that shirt the day after yesterday"" and see how long it takes them to get it."

"If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it... then my illegal logging business is a success."

"I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days."

"TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying"

"INTERVIEWER: ""How would you describe yourself?"" ME: ""Verbally, but I've also prepared a dance."""