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Joke of the Day

"*slowly raises hand 20 minutes into an important office meeting* so there are no donuts?"

"I'm excited for the zombie apocalypse so I can trap famous dead celebrities and make the best Broadway show ever assembled."

"why do people live in regular houses when there are steakhouses"

"""So what do you do?"" I'm a wordsmith ""A what?"" A writer. I deal with words. How about you? ""Oh I'm a uh... weedsmith"""

"After Paris my Airbnb host tried to say I stained her sheets & headboard w/ hair dye, but the gag is I don't wear hair to bed."

"Skinny friend: Bananas are super high in sugar. Why would you eat them if you want to lose weight? Me: Good point. *Grabs Kit Kat"

"They told me I would miss my family. I never miss at close range."

"I was about to sleep with a blind girl when she said, ""You have the biggest penis I've ever laid my hands on""... I responded, ""You're pulling my leg."""

"What's in front of a woman and in the back of a cow? The W. Yeah my dad just busted this joke on me."

"I generally don't trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision."