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Joke of the Day

"I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened."

"I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks."

"What do you call 16 white American people? A full blooded Cherokee"

"#MarriedPeopleIssues You hang up.. No, you hang up... You hang up.... Noooo, you hang up. They're your clothes. I'm not your maid."

"Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor. We don't care...as long as there is shaking."

"By the volume of the pans clanging in the kitchen. I think I'm supposed to go volunteer to help with something"

"It's all because of a misunderstanding. Jared told his buddies that he was going off the Subway diet and he asked them what he should eat. They said to have a Little Debbie."

"What footwear does Hilary Clinton wear to the beach? Flip flops or scandals!"

"How do you make a dead baby float? -2 scoops vanilla icecream -2 scoops baby -Add rootbeer and serve"

"My car was making this annoying sound . . . . . . so I went to see a mechanic. Me: My car is making an annoying sound. Mechanic: Easy fix. Reach over. Open the door. And push her out."