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Joke of the Day

"By the volume of the pans clanging in the kitchen. I think I'm supposed to go volunteer to help with something"

"[mailman delivering package to hospital] DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered MAILMAN: please stop saying that"

"I met my exgirlfriend while I was attending college... ... I went to the local community college, but she went to the Christian University of North Texas which explains a lot."

"You'd give your life for me? Your life sucks what else you got?"

"Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?"

"Kid: But dad I don't want to go to Australia. Dad: Shut and keep digging"

"[Weekend in NYC with my wife] Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend? Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue"

"What do you call an old person trying to fit in with today's kids? A dislocated hipster."

"My favorite sexual position is the JFK... It's where I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car."

"I can explain a paradox They sit right next to each other in the water"