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Joke of the Day

"Someone's written an album about thermometers... I've heard it's been nominated for a Mercury Prize."

"Wife: Valentine's day is right around the corner. Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart."

"What's the difference between a feminist and a spear... A spear has a point"

"I just slapped my phone out of my mom's hand like it was a live grenade because she started scrolling thru my photos."

"I always hate going into my cousin's house. He vapes e-cigarettes constantly... ...so whenever I leave there, I end up smelling like an ashlesstray."

"Geez, there's a lot of people on this Ashley Madison list... It's a pretty bad state of affairs"

"The Wall Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work. The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country."

"I told my friend he was noble.... He didn't react."

"The best time to leave the country is when a demonic voice screams your name from inside a locked basement"

"I need a new gimmick. What if I'm always just inexplicably shuffling a deck of cards? Would you buy that? Like ""whoa, who's that drifter?!"""