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Joke of the Day

"Did you dream of me, baby? -Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk? No, silly. -Then no."

"When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5."

"Women are like guns keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it."

"Its good to die like my grandfather, painlessly in his sleep. Its bad to die in a terrible accident, like the passengers on his bus."

"Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is."

"I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk."

"Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was *two tired*."

"What's the difference? NSFW What's the difference between regular sex and anal sex? Regular sex can make your day, but anal sex can make your whole week Edit: fucking autocorrector"

"What is the best Christmas present in the world? A broken drum, you just can't beat it!"

"Why do they thank me in the cafeteria when I pay for my food like I had a choice? Just tell me ""enjoy the diarrhea"" and I'll move along."