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Joke of the Day

"My revenge for being designated driver is putting my car seat warmers on high and convincing my drunk friends that they pee'd in their pants"

"Why should you send your sweetie a valentine? Because you always heart the one you love."

"How come lesbians can't be vegan? They all eat pussy."

"[sees kid crying at the mall] R u lost? [kid nods, wiping tears] Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now"

"Question: Why do men always give their penis a name? Answer: Because they don't want a stranger making 95 percent of their decisions for them."

"a baby seal walks into a club.."

"I went to the zoo today and all they had was a dog... It was a Shih Tzu."

"In hell, the thermostat is guarded by a bunch of dads."

"Knock knock Who's there? Not victoria"

"Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building."