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Joke of the Day

"12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you're handsome. Me: Aww. That's cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?"

"Why are socially-aware western tourists avoiding Nice, France for their late-summer getaways? All that Muslim hatred can really run you down."

"[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don't want more of you coming back next year"

"What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The holocaust."

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's meant to be. So only become emotionally invested with boomerangs and dogs."

"Christmas song Single bells, Single bells. Single all the way. My crush said let's be friends. Friendzone all the way !!"

"I asked Rick Astley for a movie... I asked him to borrow some movies. He said ""sure what movies do you want?"" I asked him for the movie 'Up'. He started singing. ""Never gonna give you Up!"""

"It's not what man can create it's what man can become."

"Why does 7 and 8 feel very uncomfortable? Because they're stuck between a 69."

"Conspiracy theorists, I hope you're right... I hope the illuminati run this country, they seem like a safe bet"