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Joke of the Day

"I don't get it Friend: ""1980's called, they want their music back"" Me: ""The mirror called, they want their joke back"" Friend: ""I don't get it"""

"*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache CW: *hands me 5 Advil* Woah there brother I'm not about to OD here, 2 will do"

"Jokes religious people find offensive Why did chicken cross the road? He had cancer on his balls. P.S. He was actually Allah and not chicken"

"*sees cute girl on sidewalk* nice *she makes eye contact* oh wow *she smiles* is this happening *she's holding a clipboard* god dammit"

"Hitting on girls at the bar is like payday I never get the number I asked for."

"An Australian travels to Houston for business, and sees who he suspects to be a famous football player. So he decides to ask him.... You Watt, mate?"

"What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? The wheelchair."

"Santa: its snowing Christmas is canceled Put everything in the garbage Elves: no! Rudolph: what if I told you I had a very small red light"

"What's a traffic cop's favorite kind of sweater? A pull over."

"Can't believe Sting isn't the lead singer of the Scorpions"