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Joke of the Day

"""Pff, I liked bread before it was sliced."" - Hipster baker."

"What did the maxi pad say to the fart? ""You are the wind beneath my wings."""

"*gives gf a small gift wrapped box* ""aww what's this, youre so sweet"" *opens it* ""wait, is this my toothbrush?"" YOU DONT LIVE HERE KAREN"

"Officer, if I can't stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn't call it the breakdown lane."

"[on Mars] ASTRONAUT: An alien! MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so A: I choke slammed it MC: What? A: Another one! MC: DO NOT CH A: [choke slam noises]"

"Borrowing Money ""Glad to see you, old man. Can you lend me five dollars ?"" ""Sorry, but I haven't a cent with me today"" ""And at home ?"" ""They're all very well, thank you, very well""."

"Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium? A: Successive approximations."

"I should get a bigger tax return According to Digiorno's I'm a family of four."

"What is the medical term for owning too many dogs? [A Roverdose](http://i.imgur.com/BtyF5ys.jpg)"

"I used to think the brain was the most important organ...... Then I thought look who's telling me that.. "