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Joke of the Day

"Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes."

"What do men who receive compressed porn files do when they are alone? They unzip."

"Two condoms walk by a gay bar . . . . . . one looks to the other and says, ""Hey, wanna get shitfaced?"""

"What do you say to a black man in a suit? Will the defendant please rise?"

"How do you make a dead baby float? Take your foot off of it."

"Bandwagon fans make me so mad, I've hated Benghazi for decades"

"I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall."

"There has to be a line where 9/11 jokes aren't funny anymore... For me it's somewhere around the 70th floor. I'm sorry, I know that was terrible. I'll see myself out."

"I went to the Optometrists to buy some glasses the other day, you'll never guess who I ran into... Everyone."

"911: What's your emergency? Me: Whatcha dooooin'? 911: Sir, are you in danger? Me: *giggles* You're always so worried, but I'm fine, silly"