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Joke of the Day

"What is green and goes backwards at 1000 miles per hour/ (Snorts)"

"""Want to parachute?"" ""No thanks, I'd rather not maybe die while strapped to a guy I met twenty minutes ago."""

"I wear a ski mask to bed so if there's a home invasion the intruder will think I'm part of the team."

"How do black people tan? Holding their hands up"

"My phone got arrested today... It was charged with battery."

"You have no idea how happy I get when phone rings and it's you. the microwave beeps and the food is ready."

"People say I am condescending. THAT MEANS I TALK DOWN TO PEOPLE."

"I've finally stopped drinking for good. And I've started drinking for evil."

"At my mom's house. Just asked if we could record Dateline and she said she doesn't have a blank VHS tape and now my left arm is numb."

"It's funny how one person can make you never trust anybody..."