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Joke of the Day

"I wish my band were shittier so we could get booked on Leno :("

"Women on their periods make me angry... ...I was loking up my wife's skirt last night and the red mist descended over my eyes."

"Summing up my life in 5 words: 'I fail at maths'"

"It's been so long since I bought groceries, this morning I saw a c**kroach move out. ""Good luck,"" he sighed, clutching his tiny suitcases."

"I was at my friend's house the other day and saw his dog licking its balls. ""Oh, I wish I could do that"" I said, my friend then replied back ""Give him a biscuit and he might let you"""

"Why did the doctor go the furniture store? Because he needed a stool sample."

"How girls put on their pants: *Left leg*, *Right leg*, '' Wiggle*, *Wiggle*, *twerk*, *Jump*, *Jump*, *Squat*, *Stretch* Done."

"Fellas, If you kill a spider while you're at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex. P.S. Bring a spider."

"FRIEND: Try to relate to her. (Later on Date) ME: *nervously* Can I be your cousin?"

"I would feel morally obligated to eat whatever I kill... So please don't try to rob my house..."