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Joke of the Day

"Definition of Insomnia: Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it's gone"

"ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m COP: You don't need an alibi, you're not a suspect ME: I know, I'm just telling everyone"

"A rapper just came out with a line of premium sausages. Meats by Dre."

"what is the hardest part of being a pedophile? I dunno, probably making friends and fitting in"

"What did the doctor say When a fruit walked into his office that was feeling like a vegetable? ...what's tomato with you?!"

"""You know that's not even a word, right?"" I said, condescendingatively"

"I bought my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for Christmas... If she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself. - From The Sopranos"

"I'm about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose."

"What the difference between a calender and you.... a calendar has dates."

"Don't date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it's teeth at you."