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Joke of the Day

"*weighs self* ""Shit"" *takes clothes off* ""GODDAMMIT"" *takes tampon out*"

"I'm like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets."

"What's the longest Island in New York? Long Island."

"Did you know that 1 in 10 people live next door to a pedophile? Not me though, I live next to a 10 year old girl with a fat ass."

"If I ever become a DJ, my name will be DJ Oriental Immigrant Because I lay down sick tracks"

"I'm at my most nurturing when I'm plotting a way to drop my 12 yr old at school 3 days early."

"Dodged the bullet A girl asked me today if she is wearing too much make-up. I told her my reply depends on whether or not she intends to kill Batman."

"Two reposters are in a plane crush. Who survives? Reddit"

"[1st date] HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it? ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives"

"A cook's apprentice is throwing copious amounts of herbs into the dish When the cook walks in and says ""STOP WASTING MY THYME"""