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Joke of the Day

"Until you can't kill a spider with an e-book, Print media will live."

"Throughout the summer Trump's campaign was on the gas pedal... But now they have turned on Cruz control."

"Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders."

"Who's the most forgettable Disney/Pixar character? Bing-Bong"

"I just flew into town and boy are my arms tired! Get it? Because, I've been jerking off on the plane..."

"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Cause the pee is silent."

"""Sir you can't bring your dog onto the plane"" [labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat] ""Omg captain I'm so sorry"""

"My girlfriend's daughter was laying across my legs. Me: What am I a pillow now? Her: Yep, and pillows don't talk. I think we're bonding."

"I adopted a rescue dog early this morning... But she hasn't saved anyone all day and she's peed in the house twice. This is bullshit."

"Did you hear about the swingers.. that got kicked out of the swap meet?"