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Joke of the Day

"Yelling ""shotgun"" when getting in a car means a seat in the front. Yelling it before getting on a plane means a seat in the TSA office."

"This looks like a job for.. *I rip open my jacket* Jacket Repair Man! *I sew my jacket back together*"

"I ate five cans of alphabet soup yesterday. Then, I easily had the biggest vowel movement ever."

"What do Osama Bin Laden and a salmon have in common? It's a great life until they run into a seal."

"...and the award for best lead actress in a dramatic role goes to me for ""I Have A Sinus Infection, Why Don't You Care That I'm Dying"""

"A friend from New Zealand asked me to put a wedge of lime in his cocktail. He took a sip and said ""Thank you, I couldn't have made it bitter myself!"""

"Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field"

"If you leave without a reason, don't bother coming back with an excuse."

"LPT: How to keep time on your hands Get a watch."

"I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard."