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Joke of the Day

"[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I'm dying]: ""Oh, you don't have to do that, don't worry about it."""

"After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for almost 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it."

"Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them."

"Is it alright to kiss a nun? Yeah. As long as you don't get in the habit."

"Used to be a twin I used to be a twin. My mother has a picture of me when I was two."

"There are 3 kinds of people in this world 1) Those who are bad at maths 2) Those that are good at maths"

"Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates... ... if you're fat, it won't last long."

"I hope this Hurricane is a Joaquin the park ;)"

"What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist with a Jehovah's Witness? ...knock knock knock... excuse me sir, but do you have a few minutes to discuss nothing?"

"How many ADD kids does it take to change a lightbulb? Wanna ride bikes?"