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Joke of the Day

"[sketchy parking lot] stranger: hey man, can you jump my car? me: maybe if i get a running start"

"Q: What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? A: Your Job still sucks"

"I'm sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug."

"I'm jobless. I'm making a career out of it."

"I call my bedroom 'The place where the magic happens' because one night a guy locked me in a box and tried to saw me in half."

"My friend Billy... My friend Billy, Had an eight foot willy, dragged along the kitchen floor. His girl thought it was a snake, and whacked it with a rake and now it's only three foot four."

"Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it."

"""i before me, excepts after we.."" - gollum in elementary school"

"I keep hearing ""Just be yourself"" from everyone. I didn't realize so many people want me to go to prison :("

"What physical trait does a shapely woman who studies statistics have? Belle curves."